How to Respond to Terrorist Threats

BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events inLibya , Egypt, and Syria and have therefore raised their securitylevel from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may beraised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The Englishhave not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea suppliesnearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "BloodyNuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the SpanishArmada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let'sget the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is thereason they have been used on the front line of the British army forthe last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised itsterror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levelsin France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise wasprecipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flagfactory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "DisdainfulArrogance" to "Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs." They alsohave two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the onlythreat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready todeploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the newSpanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and"The barbie is cancelled." So far, no situation has ever warranteduse of the final escalation level.

A final thought: Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.